| Main | What's new | Wisdom | Witsdom | Recipes | Think... | Fun Stuff | Humor | Reviews | Biography | Resumes | Links | David's Deals | Thanks | Hawaii | California | St. Thomas 2001 | 20th Anniversary | St. Thomas 2004 | *The Netherlands | Pictures | Forums | * = Recent update | ||
|
||
Humor
The heaviest element known to science is
Managerium.
This element has no protons or electrons,
but has a nucleus composed of 1 neutron,
2 vice-neutrons, 5
junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons,
and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons
all going round in circles.
Managerium has a half-life of three years,
at which time it does not decay but
institutes a series of reviews leading
to reorganization.
Its molecules are held together by means
of the exchange of tiny particles known as
morons.
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in
New York and says, "I hate to ruin your
day, but I have to tell you that your mother
and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of
misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?"
the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other
any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick
of talking about this, so you call your sister
in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs
up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes
on the phone. "Like heck they're getting
divorced," she shouts, "I'll take
care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams
at the old man, "You are NOT getting
divorced. Don't do a single thing until I
get there. I'm calling my brother back, and
we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,
don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and
hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns
to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're
coming for Thanksgiving and paying their
own fares... Now what do we tell them for
Christmas?"
As migration approached, two elderly vultures
doubted they could
make the trip south, so they decided to go
by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant
noticed that they
were carrying two dead raccoons and asked
the aging birds...
"Do you wish to check the raccoons through
as luggage?"
"No, thanks," replied the vultures.
"They're carrion."
INNER STRENGTH
If you can start the day without caffeine
or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and
pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring
people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and
be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are
too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things
out on you when, through no fault of yours,
something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without
resentment, If you can face the
world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical
help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things,
THEN.....................................
YOU ARE PROBABLY THE FAMILY DOG...
Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman
who was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife
of 40 years loved him very much, but she
couldn't handle him any longer. He would
wander about never knowing where he was or
sometimes even who he was. She took him to
a nursing home.
At the nursing home, while the wife was filling
out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman
sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting
slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran
over and put a pillow on his left side to
prop him up.
A few minutes later, he started leaning to
his right. Again, the nurse ran over and
put a pillow on his right side.
Then he starting leaning forward. This time,
the nurse strapped him into the chair.
About this time, his wife, having completed
the paperwork, walked up to him and asked,
"How do you like the place?"
"It's okay, I guess" he said. "But,
they won't let me fart!"